Not Your Average Proverbs 31 Wife

All right, ladies. 

First things first. We had a successful play date today and it was what we all like to call "amazeballs." I usually stick to amahzing, but...whatever. 

Carter only poked the little girl in the eye once so I'd call it a success.

Onto other things. Before I begin, let me tell you that I love, love all of you women who want to be a "Proverbs 31 Wife." I do, I really do. But sometimes, I just can't take it seriously. Why? Because it's freaking hard. 

Amy being serious for one second: You are awesome. It is a hugely noble thing to want to be the wife that God wants you to be and to want to take care of your husband and family. I want this too, but in a different way. 

Let's break it down. 

1. Let beer be for those who are perishing,
    wine for those who are in anguish!
⁷ Let them drink and forget their poverty
    and remember their misery no more.
⁶ 

YES. I need wine. Sometimes being a work at home/stay at home mom is anguish. I say bring on the wine. 

OK...so that part isn't really about being a wife and it's not in the "Wife of Noble Character" paragraph, but I like it anyway (It's still technically in Proverbs 31, so it counts).

2. She is like the merchant ships,

    bringing her food from afar.

Nope. I go to Trader Joe's. Five minutes down the road. If it was farther, I'd let us starve (or get a few chickens so we could at least have eggs).

3. She gets up while it is still night;

    she provides food for her family

BIG NO. I sleep in as late as possible and sometimes I give Carter the iPad in my bed so that I can get 15 more minutes. 

4. She sees that her trading is profitable,

    and her lamp does not go out at night.

This one's true. I stay up late to work. 

5. In her hand she holds the distaff

    and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

Nope. Don't spindle. Don't sew, knit, crochet, or macrame. 

6. She makes coverings for her bed;

    she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

Correction. USED TO be clothed in fine linen. Now it's more of an Old Navy vibe. 

7. She watches over the affairs of her household

    and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Wrong again. I watch E News at least 3 times a week. Talk about idle. At least I don't watch Idol. Sometimes I sit on the ground and stare absently into the mist while Carter throws his toys.